Back to Me

A hurt not so new, but still so raw. It is just me, regardless of who I try to include or those that claim to include themselves. It is all on me. With time comes wisdom, most insight by way of hard lessons learned. I have heard the tales of dating in this day and age, but what about making friends. Honestly my conundrum at this stage, is maintaining friendships. 

I am learning that growth can be isolating as can honesty. But what of those that stick around, but are not genuine. As an adult I respect individuality and privacy, however perpetrating to be open when actually withholding information meant to be shared is a definite slight. 

I feel too deeply to continue entertaining the "toxicity" I have surrounded myself with in the form of Lover and Friends. The absolute disgust I feel with myself in this moment, because even as my heart breaks there is ample Love still there for them. Some have called me weak, I argued that it was just caring. The more I evaluate my situation, I am a fool.

As a testament to my growth I do not seek to make anyone feel as I feel now or worse. I will remove myself from the intricacies that were others' affairs where my counsel was sought, the conversations that I previously entertained and all things that do not benefit by continued growth. I am willing to admit that I am sensitive. My continued uninterrupted interactions may have mislead my people to believe that their slights have gone unnoticed; that I am unbothered by the inconsistencies in our relationships; or that is not a slight at all and that this is a normal course in our interactions. 

This day I confirm that I will not be a pushover, I am not here for entertainment of anyone other than myself. As I continually say, I cannot pour from an empty cup. My cup is beyond empty, I have nothing more to give. My only interest is in myself at this junction. I can only be there for what aids in my growth. If it doesn't help me grow, it serves no purpose and time cannot be wasted. I can Love from a distance until Love knows how to Love me back. May it be friend, Lover or both, I am putting me first.