Now What?!!

It just dawned on me that the long dreaded birds and bees conversation has just gotten a bit more complicated. Now I not only have to stumble through the explanation of what is considered to be an acceptable heterosexual relationship, I must now provide an overview of homosexuality (at least I hope an overview will suffice for now). I will be the first to admit that I am still figuring out what a functioning heterosexual relationship should consist of, I have no idea what to say about homosexuality. I know nothing of what is considered the pros or upside except for the happiness those involved find. The list of cons go on and on, but who am I to judge. As a parent I think it best to stick to the facts as I know them, but just how honest should I be?
As a parent I am responsible to preparing my children for the real world. Exactly how do you prepare your children for what this world has to offer?

That was 3-24-15

Those aforementioned children are now young adults and seem to be handling the world just fine. Or as well as expected, I mean we are currently in an election season. I do not recall how the conversation went. I know the overview was that whatever decision was made around having sex it came with the possibility of lifetime consequences. It was the easiest most memorable household discourse we still have to this day. So just like the adoption commercials reiterate, there is no manual to parenting you just do your best and operate from a place of love.

Boredom

 Growth is boring. Being episodic back on 11-28-2021.

I can say not much has changed since then. Growth is still boring and now I have found it to be fairly isolating too. This is one of those episodes in life where I am really just waiting to see what happens next and hope that it is better than the last episode. 

Seems I will not have a reckless irresponsible period in this life. Sky diving after 60 is still on the table however. The right now growing pains are a bit much. A real mental strain, but trusting the process does allow for quick results turnaround per accomplishment. As a member of the microwave generation (that grew up without a microwave in the home) I appreciate quick results. That whole instant gratification thing. 

As I recall the first step in my growth process was to stop lying. Now I am not a clergyman, nor was I a con-man before. But twisting a tale to watch a person squirm was a fun pastime of mine. For over a decade I have resisted the urge to even lie by omission. That is growth. As a most pleasant side effect I no longer have to second guess a persons motives out of distrust of my own. It was also interesting to see how many people were agitated by my loud profession of "I don't lie no more". Crazy what irritates people, huh.

My experience so far is that growth can be quite boring, but comes with none of the regret that typically accompanies a wild time only the lovely fruits of wisdom.

Lif€

What do you think is important?

This was started over a decade ago, 10/08/2014. Really wish I had answered because it would be interesting to see what I valued then. 

Today I consider happiness to be the most important thing in my life. Happiness enables me to be open to possibilities. As a happy person you recognize and prioritize morals and values. Not only in yourself, but also in those around you. In pursuing a higher standard of character, you encourage others to follow suit. Whereas such a response as happiness could be brushed off as juvenile and or vague, recognize the part it plays in the everyday lives of all. Happiness is infectious, though a warm smile may not always be returned, certainly it warmed the heart of the recipient. Often happiness encourages words of appreciation, those that bring joy to the speaker and the listener.

As I review my drafts I vow to focus on growth, positivity, and happiness. Reality is, but our reality is what we make of it.

Clear with no clarity

The urge to write, knowing there is nothing I care to revisit. To even pen the here and now is unnerving. Considering thoughts as just that yet acted upon, then focus lost upon what was or should have been. Once believed the safest place to let loose is on the pad, in the book. Black and white put it down, get it out and tuck it away or share as seen fit. Here I seek reprieve, escape and audience of void to consume.

Always hear "time is funny that way", somewhat just blindly agree. Time is an experience we all share; however, to generalize the perspective undermines the role time plays. Never a moment to spare for frivolity. Or so they believe, if only it could be realized the time passing while they toil away for the ultimate benefit of another. How frivolous is that? 

No need to victim blame, it is not a system flaw, but this way by design. I sit and ponder on the state of things and the part I play. I do that because I have time now. Then I fume that it is again by design that no one has time to just "be". I do not scoff in the face of privilege because that is a matter of perspective. Work to change the system, and fight to help the people. 

Take a moment to think about life. Some may ask, "what about life"; that is a personal choice. When told to think about life whatever comes to mind first is what you should consider. To attempt to alter that initial thought is fruitless. Whatever that first thought is, go with it. Even if it is the always present thing to do, well now is the time to scratch this thing off the list. Should it be large, start breaking it down into manageable feats. Working on us prepares us to work to help others. 

Today, I must put out what I cannot write. I could go in circles for hours and get nowhere. Best place to scream. 

I am lost in this life of mine. I am losing my identity at a time when I could be finding or redefining myself. Seems so cliche to not like the person in the mirror, so I actually like her, I just also feel sorry for her. It is not true that you can not miss what you never had. Even the slightest taste of something lets you know that you had been missing out. In my situation it is not so much that I am missing out, more I am slacking off. Positive spin, I know my capabilities and if there is something I want/need bad enough I can do it, so there is no need to slack. But we have to call a spade a spade.

Surface level gripe, I have time to accomplish much and of lately do very little. This daily fugue is played out near ritualistically. Manic moments of cleaning, superwoman status homemaker, novice gardener, administrative assistant, house manager and cook. Followed by days of plundering, napping, project starts and a dash of self-depreciation for not completing any of the projects. Honestly ignorance is bliss, because recognizing this yet not knowing a way out yet and continuing is mind bending. The urge to run has been so great that I started to get so concerned I honestly do not leave often because I am not certain to return.

In writing this I guess I am at the stage of finding myself. It unfortunately just does not look or feel like it does in the movies. No island getaway for weeks or a month, no escape to the mountains to muse by a fire, no monks or nuns just me in the bed a few days at a time gazing out of the window. 

To the reader from a Mother's perspective, being a parent is a thankless job that never ends. Like for real never! Understand there are levels to this and certain stages require a certain amount of involvement. 

It seems this is where all the training on boundaries must be put into play because I have zero interest in "actively parenting" my entire life. 

I will not mother adult children 

I will not mother my spouse

I will not mother my plants 

I will not mother in this house. 

I always love and care it is just now time to put me first. Because I do not know who this chick is or what she has going on.

A reckoning is upon us 😆. Understatement of the year, I know.

Str8 Up

 A straight back is not assimilation, it is to keep ur eyes looking up. As my shoulders slump, I look down. As my shoulders square, my cervical straightens & I look up. Hope!! The beyond. Believe as u may. As long as u believe! There is yet more ik it. As do u. Don't ever forget; why sustain if it's nothing? Dreams are a reality somewhere. Even the yet to be experienced. 

Gone 😭

Unfortunately I find myself saddened by my decision to stop being a friend. Being friendly became a distraction. At this time distractions are detrimental to my required growth. No more accommodations for those that see me as optional. In this situation only I have proven to care beyond all else. I am my own best friend & it's time I stepped up for me.

Missing

 The newest Love not yet explored. Of all the feelings shared, but rarely reciprocated. How dare you ingratiate yourself then disappear. Your leaving was only a physical separation of what we'd yet to truly join. The feelings remain and rage each time your absence is noticed. Daily. 

Disappointed in this outcome yet accepting of what must be fate. No longer shall I reach, plead or negotiate. To Love you is to accept the inevitable hurt that follows.

You encourage this newfound masochism. I don't like the means of it, but almost anything with you, I'll take it. There was a time I would make every effort to say these things to you directly. Things as they are now I won't bother.

The ease with which you dismissed me, the many ways you expressed that I'm not a priority and how I've yet to experience the whole of you. I Love you just the same, only from a distance for the sake of my sanity.