Str8 Up

 A straight back is not assimilation, it is to keep ur eyes looking up. As my shoulders slump, I look down. As my shoulders square, my cervical straightens & I look up. Hope!! The beyond. Believe as u may. As long as u believe! There is yet more ik it. As do u. Don't ever forget; why sustain if it's nothing? Dreams are a reality somewhere. Even the yet to be experienced. 

Gone 😭

Unfortunately I find myself saddened by my decision to stop being a friend. Being friendly became a distraction. At this time distractions are detrimental to my required growth. No more accommodations for those that see me as optional. In this situation only I have proven to care beyond all else. I am my own best friend & it's time I stepped up for me.

Missing

 The newest Love not yet explored. Of all the feelings shared, but rarely reciprocated. How dare you ingratiate yourself then disappear. Your leaving was only a physical separation of what we'd yet to truly join. The feelings remain and rage each time your absence is noticed. Daily. 

Disappointed in this outcome yet accepting of what must be fate. No longer shall I reach, plead or negotiate. To Love you is to accept the inevitable hurt that follows.

You encourage this newfound masochism. I don't like the means of it, but almost anything with you, I'll take it. There was a time I would make every effort to say these things to you directly. Things as they are now I won't bother.

The ease with which you dismissed me, the many ways you expressed that I'm not a priority and how I've yet to experience the whole of you. I Love you just the same, only from a distance for the sake of my sanity.

7 yrs later

 The U.S. is crazier. Its people are struggling & backbiting. All the while major corporations (billionaires w/o morals) continue to pressure their paid for politicians to act in their favor. Not surprisingly however is that their lobbying works & the checks are passed through enough hands to be deemed a legal contribution.

We gratefully, continue to work & provide. Unfortunately we also are far underpaid for our services. Saving for retirement simply w/plans to relax. 

Back to Me

A hurt not so new, but still so raw. It is just me, regardless of who I try to include or those that claim to include themselves. It is all on me. With time comes wisdom, most insight by way of hard lessons learned. I have heard the tales of dating in this day and age, but what about making friends. Honestly my conundrum at this stage, is maintaining friendships. 

I am learning that growth can be isolating as can honesty. But what of those that stick around, but are not genuine. As an adult I respect individuality and privacy, however perpetrating to be open when actually withholding information meant to be shared is a definite slight. 

I feel too deeply to continue entertaining the "toxicity" I have surrounded myself with in the form of Lover and Friends. The absolute disgust I feel with myself in this moment, because even as my heart breaks there is ample Love still there for them. Some have called me weak, I argued that it was just caring. The more I evaluate my situation, I am a fool.

As a testament to my growth I do not seek to make anyone feel as I feel now or worse. I will remove myself from the intricacies that were others' affairs where my counsel was sought, the conversations that I previously entertained and all things that do not benefit by continued growth. I am willing to admit that I am sensitive. My continued uninterrupted interactions may have mislead my people to believe that their slights have gone unnoticed; that I am unbothered by the inconsistencies in our relationships; or that is not a slight at all and that this is a normal course in our interactions. 

This day I confirm that I will not be a pushover, I am not here for entertainment of anyone other than myself. As I continually say, I cannot pour from an empty cup. My cup is beyond empty, I have nothing more to give. My only interest is in myself at this junction. I can only be there for what aids in my growth. If it doesn't help me grow, it serves no purpose and time cannot be wasted. I can Love from a distance until Love knows how to Love me back. May it be friend, Lover or both, I am putting me first.

As Usual

 I've done it again. Allowed a moment to eliminate future possibilities. Each release is followed by an immediate return. The catch being, you actually do get what you ask for. 

Time apart was painful, but being together and still feeling unheard is much more painful. I dread this impending separation knowing you'll be in every other thought. Continual growth tells me to leave well enough alone. My heart still says there's so much more to discuss.

I say no more to begging to be heard. Those who care already know & are working in my favor. Those I pursued are either not able or are unwilling to hear me.

More than once I've been accused of not being there. Yet birthdays missed & emergencies suffered all by my loneself. Not once given an explanation for numerous missed outtings & overlooked occasions. By my choice through my apparent desperation I continued to grin & bear it.

The ultimate test of present growth is to allow this to go. It's not going anywhere but vicious circles & my mental stability is @ risk. No longer do I believe things will improve. It is what it is, so if it starts out shady there'll likely not be a bright side.

The Storm

Something so tenuous became tangible rather quickly. 

The thought of hearing your voice brings me joy. However the knowledge of how short lived that joy can be is overwhelmingly foreboding.

It seems I'm accepted not desired. Never wanting this to end, but knowing this current cycle is detrimental to any positive progress for me or you.

This LOVE is different & I'd dreamed of exploring its' possibilities with you. Our minds are our strongest tool & an unyielding liability as well.

The more I feel, the faster you run. The more I share, the longer you stay away. Unfortunately the more I plan the more often you disappoint. Not what I want for my future & definitely not representative of what we could have. Letting go only brings you closer. What will it take to convince you to allow yourself to feel, accept joy & express it w/o hesitation or reservations. 

Love & Happiness are meant to be together.